Anonymous asked: oh god sarah, i'm with this really good guy, we love each other, things seem fine. i say "seem" bc i am a notorious drama queen and hardly ever believe things actually can be fine. now he asked me to marry him. i never even thought about that possibility until now. how can i decide what to do, if marriage is a good idea for me at all or if this is the man i should marry?
You’re funny. You sound a little like me. I can’t possibly tell you whether you of all strangers should get married, but I can say that I always believed I would know my husband when I saw him—if I saw him—and I did.
Marriage is a good idea if you believe in marriage, but more importantly if you believe in divorce. It’s a good idea if you want to share property and won’t fight (too much) about money and don’t care primarily about power. It’s a good idea if it occurs to you suddenly when you’re sober. It’s a good idea if you think it is, maybe. It’s probably a good idea if you love this person in a way that feels like driving around a bend in the road and the road keeps bending and you roll all the windows down. It’s a good idea if you need health insurance in America, and he has a job with benefits. It’s a good idea if you really love your parents. Monogamy is a good idea if you need sex all the time but can’t stand small talk, and marriage is a form of monogamy even if it’s not always kind. There are lots of reasons a bad institution can make a good idea. You should have your own.
For me, marriage is when you stop saying “forever” and start saying “for a very long time,” and you can sense how much scarier is the latter, how foolish and awful and how sublime, and you know that you can’t. Then you open your eyes and you do it.